Final Sandman Ratings – Celtic v Shepherds’ Pies


“If Glasgow Celtic choose to destroy you, what does that mean to you?” Cixin Liu, “The Dark Forest”.

The SPFL trophy on display ahead of the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Aberdeen FC at Celtic Park on July 31, 2022 in Glasgow, United Kingdom. (Photo by Steve Welsh/Getty Images)

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – Recordmaker – 250th clean sheet of his career, squeezing the ball tight at the final whistle. About one of the only touches he needed, other than a smart save when his own skipper tried to cheekily nod at him to keep him awake, and a good awareness early on to call off a calamity with clever footwork.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – A splendid effort across the board, displaying incisive interconnect play to unleash attacks and dig in as usual when defensive duties were needed. The Benefits of a Summer-Only Steak
the diet are obvious…

GET CARTER – 8/10 – He’s a big mhan and he’s going to the World Cup. So don’t get in his way. Savored his duel with the resurrected former Macedonian civilization attacker from Aberdeen who threw himself as if still representing the Achaean Macedonian League against the Roman Republic in 214 BC. Which, for many in this country, is still the case…

But Carter was obsessed with winning at no cost and with clinical defense, we got there.

RAQUEL – 6.5/10 – Glamorous, but I’m still not sure a beautiful head can own the furry bikini. Peeked softly into the opening right after the opening titles, but then slowed the movie down whenever the ball was at his feet; take more touches than others, and this procrastination tends to take away from Angelball’s advantage a bit. Decent though, but not convincing.

JURAN JURAN – 6/10 – I saw it, lost it, saw it again, lost in the sun. Leapt into action as if brought in by the Green Brigade only to burn out soon after. His roaming was somewhat suppressed by the animated threat of the Dons on the left and he was MIA when Jonny The Vanquisher Of Mordor Demons Hayes burst into our box and just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Yet during a 2nd half stint, JJ showed why he was going to demand a hefty continental transfer fee next year with searing attacking play, whipping crosses and jabbing the keeper’s paws himself. Call this one a warm-up for the months to come.

CALMAC – 6/10 – Why are you, captain? Shakespeare wrote this after the first half; or rather Marlowe did, historical cynics… But Calmac looked knackered carrying that big trophy around the park and hoisting a flag and it wasn’t until deep into the second half that he took on him to up the tempo and put the game to bed. , where he quickly followed.

Celtics captain Callum McGregor arrives with the SPFL trophy before the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Aberdeen FC at Celtic Park on July 31, 2022 in Glasgow, United Kingdom. (Photo by Steve Welsh/Getty Images)

HAKUNA HATATE – 7.5/10 – Iniesta’s favorite player also looked like our favorite as he seemed the only one to stand out from a labored first half. Took a nasty snap from a new Sheep midfield thug called Ramalamadingdong who paid tribute to the late Fergiesun by attempting to rip Reo’s spinal cord from the coccyx like a trophy, Predator-style. Bright, vivid and sparkling openings, unfortunately Reo couldn’t find anyone on the same page most of the time, except…

THE BUILDER – 7/10 – Floated like the ghost of Tommy Rogic and almost mimicked the impact of the great Oz with a few deft touches. But ultimately thwarted; hit a big volley off the keeper’s gloves, though it generally looks like he’ll fill the Wizard role well.

Celtic fans outside Celtic Park before the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Celtic FC and Aberdeen FC at Celtic Park on July 31, 2022 in Glasgow, United Kingdom. (Photo by Steve Welsh/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – It looked like a ‘run Maeda’ game, but don’t give him the ball. Tireless as always, breaking his guts several times but serve was rare and when he looked ready to make an impact the laws of physics were defied – he thought he was about to crack a header but sent it back as it came. It’s Daizen – the bullet can ricochet anywhere on him, sometimes in…

Mr. KOBAYASHI – 6/10 – “No, Kyogo has go-go,” Batfink said, and the mantra that you can’t get out of your 80s heid plagued the deadly mushroom up front as he was foiled by admirable defense and his own timing.

NOTEBOOK – 8.5/10 MOTM – After a frustrating half hour of misfires, his creative genius came to the fore and we began to act as an offensive force. However, you might still have marked it as not quite on it, like many others, so…

ShakalakaBOOM! Moments like this are what separate supermen from companions. Moments like this, given the score and match time, are also what make the zombies spit; “Choke on this, phishing gargling pagans!” the smoke trail from the bullet spelled out in binary code as it burned in the upper corner.

Moments like that overshadow everything you’ll remember from the game.


SON OF JACKIE – 6/10 – The big man came looking for a fight and had one – with himself. Ironically fun to watch him fight back after missing out on chances at glory – a keeper who made Jonny Hayes nod.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 5.5/10 – Showing his age (deceased) as he failed to cap off a scintillating counter-attack sweeping away Notebook’s sublime pass. Not that he seemed to even be able to identify the bullet as it
snapped around his shins. He called his nurse to help him, but by then it was too late and the opportunity had passed.

MOOEY – N/A – Scully would have been proud to see his special needs pal without gorms putting on his idol King Kenny’s hoops. Whether Mooey turns out to be a bald James McCarthy or a sensible version of Tommy Gravesen remains to be seen.

ABADASS – 6/10 – Did what he does best – animate the wing, test the keeper, test Jock Stein’s fullback.

TONY THE TIGER – N/A – Take out his cage to prowl in the last embers of the afternoon.

ANITA DOBSON – 7/10 – He promised, he delivered. Angeball looked a bit rusty, but that was due to the park’s failed exhibitors. The boss entered a new season as always focused and determined to apply his methods. Fearless substitutions revamped half the team and despite this barbie’s somewhat undercooked nature, he was able to end a satisfying day with a few tinnies in the sun.

MIBBERY – 3.5/10 – Hotter than hell in the field, so they gave it to Little Nicky to sabotage Bhoys Flag Day. He never really had that chance, but managed to miss some vicious anti-football maneuvers
in age-old MIB fashion, costing Celtic a playmaker.

OVERALL – 6.5/10 – Well, we ended up coming back with a bang. Started with a terrific Tifo, ended with a stunning screamer. As often, that first goal blunted the edge for a while as we expected a killer second, they gained some confidence from being left behind, and we wondered if things could get tricky. However, this Celtic side know how to win and the 3 points were never too much in doubt, despite misses from both hitmen – any other day and we would have racked up 4 or 5.

So off we go and run and the Thoroughbreds are just winding down for an exciting season ahead. The number 1 thrill has torn in the corner of the postage stamps (it’s like an email, but for your grandma, kids) and there will be many, many more on the way as this dynamic team will synchronize. Let’s go! as some thick guys once said. Then, in fact, flew away…

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